Hey there furs and murrs, Jay here with something light-hearted for once! Are you too old to like the epileptic pace and inexplicable systems of modern video games? Too busy having sex with cute twenty-somethings to sit down with a controller in your hand? Or just too damn high to work out what that mushroom dude does if he touches the purple hat?

Well sit right back, as I tell you about three games I think are worth playing even if you don't normally dig video games.

( A cut, so you can avoid the crazy! )
Well, here's hoping you enjoyed it, and if you didn't read it, here's hoping you enjoyed not reading it!

For those of you who haven't heard, Boxing Helena was a US-made film, released in 1993 and directed/written by Jennifer Lynch. If you're thinking that name's familiar, you'd be right, as Jenny is daughter to none other than David Lynch. David's responsible for such notable (and mind-screwing films) as Eraserhead, Dune and Mulholland Drive.

As kids tend to rebel against their parents, you'd assume that if Jenny got into filmmaking, her fare would have been dull and vacuous romantic comedies starring Ben Stiller and washed up TV comedy actresses.

If that's the case, you assumed wrong bitch!

Boxing Helena relates the tender love affair between a doctor (Julian Sands) and a woman (Sherilyn Fenn) who spurned him (wait, it's really not a romantic comedy), in which the doctor finds the woman has been run over in front of his home in Atlanta. Like any good doctor, he aids in the titular character's recovery... by amputating her legs, then her arms (which were fine!) and then keeping her in a box.

That's right, someone seriously thought that they could sell a film like this to mainstream audiences! Ms Lynch even tried to get Madonna and Kim Basinger on as Helena at first (in fact, Kim's decision to break her contract for the film and the ensuing lawsuit was a big contributor to her humiliating bankruptcy). As a guide to how the film went, it won Jennifer the Razzie award for worst director, and made about enough money to buy a house in Sydney. Maybe. Out west...

Now, aside from motivating me from trying to find the film on DVD (good luck eh?), it did make me wonder how you sell such a concept...

"Helena Summers thought she had enough trouble raising her two kids and putting dinner on the table. She didn't know how good she had it till she lost her limbs! That's right kids, it's everyones favourite actress Lindsay Lohan, and she's definitely... stumped!"

Yeah... thank atpaw for the idea of posting that. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell.

Mr September! Don't think you can get away from me! You screwed a lot of people over!

I mean hey, what you did to the NSW Labor Government was fantastic, and far be it from me to complain about some irresponsible US banks going belly up, but what about all the kids in China!? Bad enough they're in substandard living conditions in an overpopulated country, and then, BAM, poisonous milk!

And where do you get off on major financial collapses anyway!? If we must live in a society in which profit is ever increasing and the house of cards is forever being added to, why start pulling them out now? Though I suppose it's fair punishment of the baby boomers, property investors and short sellers that hyped markets so much in the fist place.

And what of the constant stagnation of corruption and in action in government? At least our decaying public transport would be justifiable if it weren't for the fact the NSW state budget is in bloody deficit! However, I'll concede that when our government's treating a $30 a week pension increase like a legal nightmare while able to utterly rape the law for terror suspects, it's hardly a surprise that such monetary garbage should arise.

Oh, and now it's personal! I'm watching friends and friends of friends fight with each other, lose jobs, get ill, move away, the whole damn shebang. You nasty-ass month, exerting your influence over every thing, you're like the actuation of Murphy's Law!

You'd better kill Michael Costa or Sarah Palin or something like that in the next 3 hours, or you're so fired! That's right, I'll replace you with a new month, dedicated to booze and partying. I shall call it... Febrewery!

RANDOM POINT 1
I just saw an ad for The Next Top Supermodel on Channel Ten, in which one of the judges said that "stripping is not a part of modelling". I totally agree with that sentiment.

One is an industry based on debasing one's self in order to satisfy the baser needs of wealthy men, reliant on young women being objectified and mistreated.

The other is taking one's clothes off and dancing for money.

RANDOM POINT 2
I've stopped drinking. For any friends not aware I was... or maybe still am by medical definitions... an alcoholic. Drinking every night, or every second night, often alone, and often for no better reason than I felt an innate urge to do so. If someone sees me at a party reaching a shaky paw towards something containing alcohol, give me a slap on the head.

RANDOM POINT 3
Went to aussiehusky's BBQ last night, much geeky fun was had, mad props to the host as usual. Was good to catch up with the people there (especially the rarely seen Harley, the always amusing liontemba, and the ever-fun atpaw), as well as gorging on food from a rather nice Indian place nearby, staffed by a rather not-so-nice and not-so-Indian man. I do recall some crushing of certain people in Super Smash Brothers, but lets not linger on that too long huh?

I hope everyone's well, see you later!

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/03/28/2201237.htm?section=justin

"Mr Brown (British PM and international man of mystery) said Britain, which will host the 2012 Olympics, would definitely not be boycotting any part of the Beijing Olympics."

Definitely not. That's comforting, I'm glad Mr Brown is such a rock to the British people. As a Prime Minister he really should stand by poor, defenseless nations getting maligned by greater powers. So Mr Gordon's determination to spare China from cruel and unnecessary humiliation from countries such as France or, worse still, Poland is a noble goal indeed.

China's only great crime is poor media controls. Not enough of them. We wouldn't be in a quandry about their human rights stance if they hadn't let it slip that, yeah, what do you know, they DO harvest the organs of political prisoners, and oh yeah, they do tend to fund and support some of the world's worst dictatorial regimes. I mean, by implication all the countries that "definitely won't" be boycotting the Beijing games support their media restrictions, which is obviously unacceptable as those restrictions need to be far tighter to prevent those awful truths from hurting anyone.

Now, supporting awful dictatorial regimes is a longstanding tradition I know, look at the US, its become the master of it. Indeed this is a case of looking inwards on someone looking outwards because China in itself, no matter how much its government would like to colour it differently, is one of those regimes. Mr Brown and his counterparts in the US and Australia are examples of the kind of political thinking we need nowadays, where one can defend the invasion of a foreign, sovereign, non-attacking nation to oust a leader whose war crimes are the equivalent of kicking a dog, while supporting a financial and political boon to a government that thinks that the best solution to left wing media is not Piers Akerman, but to capture members of that media group and disect them. If that's the case, Matthew Moore and Ross Gittins should certainly keep their guard up now that that our current PM is so fond of Chinese customs.

Ultimately, its especially noble and noteworthy that the promise of mining contracts and continued cheap (almost slave) labour has blinded our politicians to petty concerns such as human rights, and we hope they don't let morality or public opinion or, heaven forbid, good taste prevent them from straying down the path of boycotting that was taken with that truly evil behemoth, Soviet Russia.

---------------------------

Oh and I have no problem with the Chinese. Just their government. Over and out :P

MARCH 27 2008, 4PM
Jay Hieronymus Fear reporting...

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has left Australia for a seventeen day long diplomatic tour, the US and China being major focuses, leaving his cabinet to the tast of constructing its first budget unsupervised. Leader of the Liberal Party and the Politicians without Support support group Brendan Nelson claims that the trip at such a time is poorly advised and against the wishes of the Australian public.

Julia Gillard, acting PM while Mr Rudd is abroad, in response to Mr Nelson says "How did he hear what the public wants? Anyway, there is absolutely nothing to worry about, everything will be under control as soon as I find the keys to the office... unless Peter [Garret, Minister for Wombats and Good Vibrations] has swallowed them again," going on to say she's sure that the cabinet is well equipped during their leader's absence, with enough crayons and Barbie Fairyland colouring books between them to last a month.

From his fortified bunker in Nundah, Queensland, treasurer Wayne Swan is already working on the complicated set of tasks left behind by Mr Rudd, including calculating the tab from his last trip to McDonalds, and how to avoid reporters asking questions regarding adjustments to pensioners' earnings. He also denied claims that the first budget checklist prepared for Mr Rudd's absence only has one point, "Wait for me".

Before leaving this morning, Mr Rudd responded to criticism of his having left Japan out of his itinerary on his whirlwind diplomatic tour, simply saying "You know how they say what happens in Tokyo, stays in Tokyo? Well, sometimes it stays there too long".