Hi there, I know we don't talk too much, but I really need to say something to you... I hope you'll answer.

Give me the strength to endure the sight of Kevin Rudd falling all over himself to chat up the Pope.

Give me the willpower to resist the urge to throw something at the TV every time Benedict gets called holy.

Give me the peace of mind to get home from work through the throngs of pilgrims without triggering a psychotic break.

Give me the maturity to prevent me from dressing up as the Mad Monk and lecturing others on how it's okay to do kids but homosexuality and unprotected sex are amoral.

There. What do you think Jay Fear? Can you do those things for me?

Oh, and can you give me head more often?